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2 days ago
I let myself listen to @adele today, andddd then I cried. But there’s a happy ending, I promise. 🙌🏼
Adele: “Go easy on me, baby. I was still a child. Didn't get the chance to feel the world around me. I had no time to choose what I chose to do. So go easy on me.”
I don’t even know where to start — hang with me as my soul overflows.
Engaged at 21, married at 23 — SO young & happier than ever. Started fertility treatments 24, getting a jump start I told myself. But every cycle, each step in deeper, every possible med concoction they could dream up — I made absolutely zero fertility progress. Simultaneously, my mental health deteriorated almost daily. I chose to stop treatments after 1.5 panic ridden years in an attempt to find myself again. I was SCARED. 23 year old Jenna was a mirage in the rear view mirror & I was so afraid I’d never get back to her.
4 months later I started a 6 mo. fight for my life against Cdiff. I spent my 26th year praying to see 27, while hiding every emotion I felt — trying to maintain the happy go lucky, outgoing exterior that previously came so freely to me.
Fast forward to a physical cure, but I knew I needed more help mentally to move on. I had carried such a weight for so many years that finally caught up to me. While I worked through my illness PTSD (with life changing help from my counselor) I was also able to do work myself & began to unpack the fertility weight I always carried, but hid.
Somewhere in that blur over the years, between trying to find myself again & watching others walk the fertility path that I begged/prayed & even tried to pay for, it became *easy* to say: “I chose to quit treatments” & “I have plenty of time” to protect my own heart.
Adele again: “I was still a child. Didn't get the chance to feel the world around me. I had no time to choose what I chose to do.”
I was merely surviving. It wasn’t until so SO recently that I finally discovered I don’t need to hide. I can be both grateful to be alive, taking life as it comes, & also mourn the very real sadness I felt at such a young age, or with each passing pregnancy announcement that isn’t my own. Infertility CAN be both.
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