I’M GOING TO SPEAK DIRECTLY TO SOME OF YOU
In a way that I deeply understanding because I am really speaking to myself who has experienced the same thing.
The moment I believed I was ‘awake’ it came with the thought “I know better than others” all while saying “I don’t know what’s best for you or anyone” etc...
This gave me a closed mind that I was completely unaware of.
The value I put on “knowing” was there only to serve me in being able to make the right, most effective choices in order that I would create abundance & freedom
So my spiritual seeking was motivated by creating a future with freedom & abundance implying I wasn’t experiencing that NOW
THEN I WAS HOMELESS and every SYMBOL I defined as abundance was gone
Why? Reality reflects back to you what you most strongly believe to be true
Some of you haven’t hit this kind of rock bottom yet, or you hit it & ran away and are still there but your circumstances are just comfortable enough to convince yourself you are not suffering and feeling lack & anxiety about the future.
When I was couch surfing I sat with every belief that would inspire lack until I couldn’t find any anymore
That was the spark that lead to 16 retreats around the world aka my dreams coming true.
So OF COURSE I thought changing beliefs was the key to my happiness! Yes letting go of unconscious beliefs is great and healing.
But it wasn’t until I explored the one who was ‘doing’ the belief changing that I felt a direct path to happiness, that wasn’t temporary, regardless of my circumstances
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I don’t know who else can relate to this, but time alone feels really hard for me. I’ve gotten much better at it over the years, but there’s still some really tough gook around it.
It’s not constant or every time, but often I feel lonely and unwanted when I am home by myself. To avoid those feelings I text a bunch of people frantically to feel connected, or I distract myself with TV, or I numb it with a substance. These are ok to have as coping mechanisms here and there, but I’m ready to release them. They are driven by fear and I want to be driven by love.
I was not taught or modeled how to love myself. It’s a foreign concept to me. I am running, sprinting towards learning how to in my adulthood if for no other reason than I will teach my future children how to do it. But also, I want to know what it feels like. I love people in my life so hard and in such a big way, don’t I deserve to feel that way about myself? Yes, I do.
I ache for the time when I will intentionally create space to be by myself and feel totally at peace and totally safe and totally loved. It’s ok that I am not there now, but I am entering 2022 with this intention. If you struggle with this too, I hope you get there as well. And to the insightful and smart people in my life (who I am so blessed to have) who have been telling me this over and over. I hear you, I am listening, and I am working on it.
1 day ago
Actors waste so much time and energy attempting to conjure feelings! Actors cannot control emotions - if we could, we would make millions teaching others how to control their emotions! If you decide you are going to feel something on a certain line, you are deciding to lie! Find One Specific Honest Action to play in the scene and ACT THROUGH whatever you are feeling instead of attempting to control your feelings. Watching a human being do something real and actual despite whatever they are feeling is endlessly fascinating to watch.