TEAM!!!! 🎤🎤🎤 Slow the scroll and watch until the end!!!
I couldn’t be more excited to share with you the beautiful cover of my book THE ORIGINS OF YOU. This book will help you identify the foundational blue print of who you are and why you are in relationships (and how to break your unhealthy family patterns for good) all through the lens of understanding your family of origin. The book will hit stands on February 21, 2023 but you can officially pre-order your copy(ies…because we know each member of your family needs this book 😜) today.
It would be an understatement to say that this moment is overwhelming. Writing this book challenged me in expected and unexpected ways. It was by far the most confronting professional challenge of my life. And what better time to take on a such a great challenge than when you have a new born (not recommended). But I did it. I did it to test my limits. I did it because we need a book like this out in the world. And I did it because of all of you. To every human who has shared any minor or major detail of your life with me, you helped me write this book. It is not lost on me that this book only exists because of all of your stories, all of your life experiences.
If you’re able, please pre-order this book (link in bio). Pre-orders matter BIG TIME to authors and set the book on a path of success. I know we can do this together…but I’m going to need you help. So, if you can purchase a copy (thank you!!!) but how else you can support is by liking, commenting, saving, and sharing this post.
Team!!! Are you ready to take this book on an epic ride??? Let’s do it.
I can’t wait for you to read this book and I’m so honored to have you along for the journey. #mindfulmft
With endless love,
@putnambooks , @penguinrandomhouse , @penguinusa
And of course the other way around. Do not underestimate the importance of understanding the richness and complexity of your partner’s past and childhood. The way their family operated carries a lot of weight. The way they communicated and fought matters. The beliefs they held about people and the world matters. The things they prioritized matters.
If you’re trying to solve things in your relationship and you’re not exploring yours and their family systems and origin stories then you are undoubtedly operating with a set of cards that’s missing pretty much every card.
What more can you learn about their story? What more can you learn about what it was like growing up? What more can you learn about how their family did things, what they believed, how they treated one another, and beyond. Might that begin to help you understand what plays out between the two of you now? Might that begin to point you, relationally, in the direction that needs attention and healing. #mindfulmft
I get asked questions about second chances all the time. How to know when to give them? What needs to be different? Should we ever entertain them? Etc etc.
I’ve always said that the prerequisite for another chance is that we (or the other person) are able to clearly articulate the growth, shifts, changes, and integration that has taken place through our/their reflection and processing. Sometimes second chances lead us to something so beautiful and expansive (in relation to the desired outcome), and sometimes they don’t. If there isn’t growth then a second chance is just a pattern. Take that in and let it rattle around a bit.
Without growth we generally get the same results and the same outcomes. The same hurtful, challenging stuff in the relationship will reappear. Maybe not right away (“good behavior” FTW), but eventually it will show up. Without integrating our growth and our revelations, we tend to find ourselves stuck in a place we’ve been before.
What feels important as you entertain a second chance? What are you looking for? What might block it for you? Are you open, closed, curious? #mindfulmft
Our intimate relationships will exacerbate our wounds. I have yet to meet a partnership where that has NEVER happened. But, and it’s a big but, there are relationships that just poke and prod the wound PERIOD and then there are relationships where the wounds get activated, it get touched — but the people participate in what that activation and touching opens up.
We can’t avoid our way to healing. We must use discernment and judgment, certainly. It’s not about exposing ourselves without any emotional armor, but our wounds need some activation in order for us to write a new story and to have a new experience that offers the healing. What are your thoughts? #mindfulmft
Unwanted patterns are a direct arrow pointing to something that is unresolved in our lives. It lets us know that a wound is raw. It communicates to us that something from the past needs our attention. In my book The Origins Of You I talk about a number of ways we might know that we have an origin wound that needs tending, and unwanted patterns are one of the big giveaways.
Have you ever thought about it like that before? Your patterns communicate an irresolution. So instead of being frustrated at yourself for winding up in the same type of partnership over and over again, or frustrated that you engage in conflict in that destructive way every time it gets heated, you might consider curiosity around the thing that’s unresolved from the past that directly links to what’s playing out today. Detective caps on, friends.
You can preorder the book now (link in bio), but since you’ll have to wait a bit I’d love for you to work with this:
An unwanted pattern in my life is…
How I feel when I’m engaged in that pattern is…
What I question about myself is…
The first time I questioned that was…
The person with whom I felt that the most growing up was…
Acknowledging this feels…
Hard stuff, friends. This is one of the most common complaints I hear. Partner A wants Partner B to open up more, communicate, share their feelings, express themselves, etc. Partner B won’t no matter how much Partner A asks for it, begs for it, demands it, gets frustrated about it, cries about it, and so forth.
What I’d like to offer here is that Partner B is most likely not trying to make your life miserable or getting a kick out of frustrating the heck out of you. What’s more likely is that their quiet, closed off, shut down way of being is a form of protection. Might we get curious here?
What are their origin stories around sharing themselves and expressing their feelings? Did they have a family system that invited it? That kept it safe? Did they have a parent who used things they shared against them? What messages did they receive (explicit or implicit) about talking about their feelings?
Gosh, there is so much to explore and tune into. Yes, it requires them to participate in this exploration, but I can almost guarantee that this curiosity and desire to understand what the block is will get you further than pushing an agenda (even when the agenda is a great one).
Have you considered this if you’re Partner A? And if you’re Partner B might you start to think about this for yourself? What are you afraid of having happen if you open up? What associations are there?
Of course, there’s a limit. Even when you become curious and take a new approach you might be met with resistance. This isn’t a suggestion to keep trying…forever…but rather, to see your partner through a new lens and see if it opens something up.
Tag someone who would benefit from reading this and share @mindfulmft with them. Happy Monday, friends. #mindfulmft
Don’t just rest on your laurels
Relationships don’t thrive because we rest on our innate worthiness. Take that in. We can be deserving and worthy of love AND still required to put in work. It does not excuse us. Relationships aren’t guaranteed just because we’re in one. Relationships thrive because the participants dive in, have hard conversations, face parts of themselves they’ve historically denied, and hold up mirrors for one another over and over again.
Thriving in a relationship of any kind is going to take a re-commitment and re-exploration over and over again. We dive in, we explore, we challenge, we face blind spots, we integrate healing, and we hold up mirrors for one another as we navigate this lifetime with one another.
It’s not given, it’s earned. #mindfulmft
Just a moment to reflect. I was that person once. Damn proud of being so self-sufficient — of not needing anything from anyone. Super power? Maybe. Possibly. But what I soon began to learn was that this protective strategy of mine kept people from feeling like they had any role or purpose in my life. If I’ve got it all handled and taken care of myself, where’s the space for them? If I don’t need anything at all from another, what’s the point in being in my life? If they can’t enhance my life or my experience, then why be there? Oooof-ie. So if any of that resonates with you, I invite you to sit and consider the both-and of your self sufficiency. Let’s celebrate the beauty of it, and also explore what it might be blocking (protecting). Might you explore if there’s an origin wound around relying on another, around having a need go unmet, around trust being broken, that has led you to a place of doing it all on your own. Gentle in your exploration. #mindfulmft
DOORS CLOSING for the “Should I Stay or Should I Go” online course for women considering divorce TONIGHT at 11:59 pm ET. Link in bio to sign up. Lifetime access. Go at your own pace. Live call with Angelica and me. It’s an incredible course and I hope it will be supportive for you on your journey.
Three cheers for those who can own, acknowledge, and wholeheartedly apologize. I see you and honor you. But that’s not everyone. I’m fairly certain you’ve come across someone in your life who defends, skirts responsibility, manipulates, or full on shuts down when you try to bring your hurt forward. There are countless reasons for that, but that’s not what this post is about.
When your attempts are blocked, instead of trying over and over again, instead of bending over backwards, saying it thousands of different ways, go internal first. Go towards yourself. Hear, see, and acknowledge yourself.
More than anything your system wants to be understood. *Who* does it is less important than that it’s done. You feel that?
Go where you can be seen. Go where you can be honored. Go where you can be understood. And if that means going to yourself, let it do it’s magic. Give it a shot and see how it feels. #mindfulmft
Yes I did!!!!
Apparently I received this package last week with three copies of the uncorrected proof of my book. It got put away somewhere and last night Connor found it and we opened it.
It was emotional for me to touch this book. To hold it in my hands. To see the external representation of so much of my personal and professional life. I wrote a book!!!! WHAT?!?! And it’s good!!! Hahaha. I am so proud of this. And I’m slowing down to take it in and celebrate it with you. It’s not just an accomplishment. It’s not just something I’m putting a check mark next to. This is deeply meaningful to me. I gave it everything I had and I am so damn proud of myself.
1. What’s something you’re proud of or celebrating?
2. I’m encouraging you to take a moment and slow down and acknowledge yourself. Find the thing. Make space for it.
3. Celebrate this book with me! Like it. Share it. Comment. Give it some energy!! I wrote it because of all of you. So thank you thank you thank you. For the support, encouragement, and honor of sharing this space for you.
4. If you haven’t pre-ordered yet and that’s something you’re able to, can you?! Please! Pre-orders are HUGE for authors. They help the book so much. One for you? One for your family members 🤣
LINK IN BIO.
I can’t wait for it to be in your hands. 2/21/2023. 🧡 #mindfulmft
You often hear messaging around loving someone or being loved by someone for exactly who they/we are. It sounds really nice. And, there’s definitely a lot of truth and value to it. The problem is, our society has shifted its meaning quite a bit. We tend to say that from a position of defensiveness: “if you don’t love me as I am then you don’t deserve me” PERIOD.
I can love you — the amazing parts, the parts where you carry shame and insecurity, the parts that want witnessing, etc. I can absolutely love all of those parts. AND…I can encourage and inspire you to heal, to expand, to reach for new ways of being that are in alignment with you.
It doesn’t need to be one or the other. I’m not here to love you only if you change according to my plan. I can love you as you are and encourage you to continue your reclamation and your healing.
Might you make room for that too? What comes up for you when you consider this space where both can co-exist? #mindfulmft
The online course “Should I Stay or Should I Go” for women considering divorce is only open for 3 more days. Link in bio to register and get more info. It’s one of the only times you’ll be getting a live call with Angelica and me. Doors closing soon and not sure if/when we open them again. See you in there 🧡